I traveled out of the United States this last week for the first time in almost 8 years. I hesitated to go for many reasons, not the least was being away from the boys for an extended period of time.
A week after I booked the trip I realized with horror that I was going to be out of town on the three year anniversary of Mark’s death. I felt like a horrible parent for not realizing it before I’d paid. I wanted to be around Connor and Brannon in case they needed me.
But in the end I knew there was a reason I needed to go. While I was away I met new friends and found a little piece of myself that has been hiding for a while. And, at the same time I tried to ignore the fact that I’d be traveling home today, and therefore not with anyone who knew me, or Mark, all day.
On the plane I kept busy, I read, watched a movie, and ate dinner. But in the end the thoughts and memories won. I was going back over not only the loss of Mark three years ago but other losses I’ve experienced since. And it was too much, I got to a point where the tears were dripping down my chin and onto my shirt. I didn’t want to look up for fear of my ‘seatmate’ seeing them.
Then when there was no way to go but down I asked myself, “How did you survive on this day three years ago?” And the answer was so clear. I showed who I was, and I let go. I let go of the fact that I could not make it better. That there were things in life that happen and I have no control over them. And, that even though I don’t know why now, there is a reason. And that possibly angels helped me through it all. So, I focused on those ideas right then.
And my breath came back, slowly and deeply. I turned toward the woman next to me and attempted a smile through my tears. Then I looked at the window I’d covered to watch the movie and had the intense urge to open it, as if to get more air. (Even though we were over the ocean at 30,000 feet.)
The instant I saw the view outside my mood changed. The tears streaming down my face felt cold and weak rather than hot and strong, and the sadness vanished. I was looking at a virtual rainbow of colors. And I knew that angels were supporting me. Because two years ago, on the one year anniversary several of us saw a double rainbow. And those kinds of coincidences are impossible to ignore.
At that moment I knew that without a doubt the thoughts I’d had before I opened the window were the one’s that were true, right, and are the one’s that leads into the light instead of the dark. And I was instantly thankful that I believe in angels.
Thank you angels.
And yes, this is for you.